one week ago, our world stopped in a haze of grief and sadness. what we thought would be a doctor's appointment full of joy, turned out to be one of sorrow.
the week of Valentine's Day, we found out we were pregnant with Baby Lowery #3 and we were so excited. I went in the following week to check my HCG levels and they were great---measuring at 30,000. We scheduled our first appointment for Tuesday, February 26 at 9:30am. We went in and my doctor wheeled in the little ultrasound machine. We got the first look at our sweet baby. After a few minutes, my doctor said, "I am so sorry to tell you this, but I am not seeing a heartbeat." It didn't really register in my brain what that meant until a few minutes later.
my doctor is truly amazing. I am so grateful for him. He left the room to give us a few minutes to process what was happening and then came back in to discuss some things with us. He was very sensitive to what was happening, and the first thing he told me was that it wasn't my fault. He gave us three options:
1) wait and let my body miscarry naturally--although we had no idea the timeframe that would take
2) he could give me some meds to jumpstart the process and let my body miscarry naturally
3) we could schedule a D&C
we walked out of the doctor's office numb and in a fog. We drove home and just sat in silence, crying for a good while. I called my Mom to tell her the news---she had no idea we were pregnant yet. That was a hard conversation. She called me back 10 minutes later to say she was packing and heading up here.
the rest of that day was a haze. Daniel picked the kids up from "school", brought them home and we all cried together as we told them the news. Evie was just crying because the rest of us were crying. Holt fully understood though. He cried and cried. And then he stopped and prayed, "God, please let my mama have another baby in her belly so I can have a brother or a sister." *cue more tears. GAH*
I decided I wanted the D&C. I don't believe there is one right option to do---to each their own. But for me, this is what I wanted. I had a lot coming up on the calendar with Rhea Lana's and I didn't want something to happen then. I didn't want to have this looming over my head and just wondering when it would happen. And honestly, I didn't want to feel pregnant anymore.
the hospital was able to squeeze me in the next day for my procedure. Wednesday, February 27th at noon. My mom arrived and was a huge help with the kids. We decided to go to dinner Tuesday night because I wasn't up for cooking. We had the most amazing waitress and someone ended up blessing us and paying for our meal. Whoever you are, if you're reading this, that meant more than you know.
Wednesday morning, we took the kids to my best friend's house---she honestly is more like a sister to me than anything and the fact she was willing to watch my kids most of the day was just the sweetest. I dropped them off and we cried (more like sobbed) together at the loss of our baby. I arrived to the hospital, checked in, and the waiting game began. I'll be honest, I was a little nervous. I haven't had any kind of surgery since I was 3 years old. But everyone was so kind and helpful and put me at ease. I was wheeled back at 12:15pm, Dr. Riche was speaking to my mom and husband after surgery at 12:30pm and at 1:00pm they were waking me up in recovery.
we got home about 2:00pm and I slept for a few hours. My mom was a huge help taking care of the kids and making sure I was resting. Overall, my physical recovery was great. I never had nausea or cramping or anything. Emotionally, we are still recovering and I know that will continue for a while.
while we don't understand why this happened, we know the Lord is still good and He has not abandoned us. Walking through this grieving process has been difficult, but the amount of love and prayer and support poured out on us has been amazing.
they say miscarriage is very common and it's normal for most women to experience at least one. But you never think it will happen to you. To anyone else out there who has experienced this heartbreak, I am so sorry and I am here for you. One of my friends who messaged me told me this: "this club is one you never want to be part of, but you'll find it to be one of the most encouraging and supportive groups ever." I am finding that to be true.
one of the ways we have decided to help with our grief is to name our baby. We will never officially know the gender because it was so early but we decided to name our baby, Hope. Hope has a lot of meaning for us---we have a confident hope that this baby is in the arms of Jesus and that one day we will see her in heaven. We also have hope that the Lord will restore our loss in the future with a healthy baby. Hope is a powerful thing.
Sweet baby Hope will always have a place in our hearts. And for that I am thankful.
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