the story of our sweet baby lowery #3

one week ago, our world stopped in a haze of grief and sadness. what we thought would be a doctor's appointment full of joy, turned out to be one of sorrow.

the week of Valentine's Day, we found out we were pregnant with Baby Lowery #3 and we were so excited. I went in the following week to check my HCG levels and they were great---measuring at 30,000. We scheduled our first appointment for Tuesday, February 26 at 9:30am. We went in and my doctor wheeled in the little ultrasound machine. We got the first look at our sweet baby. After a few minutes, my doctor said, "I am so sorry to tell you this, but I am not seeing a heartbeat." It didn't really register in my brain what that meant until a few minutes later.

my doctor is truly amazing. I am so grateful for him. He left the room to give us a few minutes to process what was happening and then came back in to discuss some things with us. He was very sensitive to what was happening, and the first thing he told me was that it wasn't my fault. He gave us three options:

1) wait and let my body miscarry naturally--although we had no idea the timeframe that would take
2) he could give me some meds to jumpstart the process and let my body miscarry naturally
3) we could schedule a D&C

we walked out of the doctor's office numb and in a fog. We drove home and just sat in silence, crying for a good while. I called my Mom to tell her the news---she had no idea we were pregnant yet. That was a hard conversation. She called me back 10 minutes later to say she was packing and heading up here.

the rest of that day was a haze. Daniel picked the kids up from "school", brought them home and we all cried together as we told them the news. Evie was just crying because the rest of us were crying. Holt fully understood though. He cried and cried. And then he stopped and prayed, "God, please let my mama have another baby in her belly so I can have a brother or a sister." *cue more tears. GAH*

I decided I wanted the D&C. I don't believe there is one right option to do---to each their own. But for me, this is what I wanted. I had a lot coming up on the calendar with Rhea Lana's and I didn't want something to happen then. I didn't want to have this looming over my head and just wondering when it would happen. And honestly, I didn't want to feel pregnant anymore.

the hospital was able to squeeze me in the next day for my procedure. Wednesday, February 27th at noon. My mom arrived and was a huge help with the kids. We decided to go to dinner Tuesday night because I wasn't up for cooking. We had the most amazing waitress and someone ended up blessing us and paying for our meal. Whoever you are, if you're reading this, that meant more than you know.

Wednesday morning, we took the kids to my best friend's house---she honestly is more like a sister to me than anything and the fact she was willing to watch my kids most of the day was just the sweetest.  I dropped them off and we cried (more like sobbed) together at the loss of our baby. I arrived to the hospital, checked in, and the waiting game began. I'll be honest, I was a little nervous. I haven't had any kind of surgery since I was 3 years old. But everyone was so kind and helpful and put me at ease. I was wheeled back at 12:15pm, Dr. Riche was speaking to my mom and husband after surgery at 12:30pm and at 1:00pm they were waking me up in recovery.

we got home about 2:00pm and I slept for a few hours. My mom was a huge help taking care of the kids and making sure I was resting. Overall, my physical recovery was great. I never had nausea or cramping or anything. Emotionally, we are still recovering and I know that will continue for a while.

while we don't understand why this happened, we know the Lord is still good and He has not abandoned us. Walking through this grieving process has been difficult, but the amount of love and prayer and support poured out on us has been amazing.

they say miscarriage is very common and it's normal for most women to experience at least one. But you never think it will happen to you. To anyone else out there who has experienced this heartbreak, I am so sorry and I am here for you. One of my friends who messaged me told me this: "this club is one you never want to be part of, but you'll find it to be one of the most encouraging and supportive groups ever." I am finding that to be true.

one of the ways we have decided to help with our grief is to name our baby. We will never officially know the gender because it was so early but we decided to name our baby, Hope. Hope has a lot of meaning for us---we have a confident hope that this baby is in the arms of Jesus and that one day we will see her in heaven. We also have hope that the Lord will restore our loss in the future with a healthy baby. Hope is a powerful thing.

Sweet baby Hope will always have a place in our hearts. And for that I am thankful.

Happy Father's Day

To my husband on Father's Day:

When I would daydream about my future as a little girl, I imagined I would have a husband that would be my knight in shining armor, sweeping me off my feet and riding off into the sunset with me, straight back home to our house full of children who would behave like little angels and we would be one big, happy family.

Obviously, fairy tales aren't real life, so that didn't happen. But what DID happen is I found a man who loves God more than me, who strives to do the right thing even when it's hard; a man of character and integrity and honor; a man who works hard to provide for his family; a man who treats his wife as an equal partner, respects her, loves her, and keeps her in line when needed (because we all know how bossy and sassy I can be); a man who loves his children FIERCELY and would do anything for them; a man who willingly got up with me for middle of the night diaper changes and feedings and fussy babies; a man who comes home from work and immediately runs to his children to wrestle and spend time with them; a man who realizes how important it is that I have breaks from the kids so I don't burn out; a man who makes me laugh; a man who puts up with my hormones even when they are flat out crazy (hello pregnancy and post-partum); a man I love more now than I did the day I married him.

I am so proud and honored to be your wife and to have you as the father to my children. Thank you for being you. And thank you for doing this whole parenting thing with me---you pretty much rock at it.

You're my person and I love you.



P.S. this year it just so happens your 30th BIRTHDAY is the same day as Father's Day. i'm excited to experience a new decade with you and celebrate you TWICE!

The Pressure to be Supermom

This has been on my heart for several weeks now. I hope to say the words SOMEONE needs to hear, even if it's just myself. And let me preface that this is not just a focus on moms who stay home---I know there are working moms out there who probably feel the same way. Know you are not alone! Let's stick together as a band of mothers, encouraging one another in love!

So here is what has been on my mind….

The face of a being a mom is changing. There is so much pressure!! With Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest I feel like we are bombarded with moms who have it all together. You all know what I'm talking about---the mom who's house is always sparkling and decorated impeccably; her children are always learning from some sort of activity that she made herself; her children are well-behaved and wonderful sleepers; she always has time for Bible Study and probably even teaches Sunday School or volunteers at Awanas; she has time for fitness and easily lost all of her baby weight; and she contributes financially to her family by being crafty or selling some sort of product.

Lately, I have felt like a huge failure as a wife and a mom. My house is hardly ever sparkling; I don't have the most beautifully decorated home; I have the TV on way too much; I try to stick to a nap routine for my child but he often has other plans; I definitely haven't lost all my baby weight; I don't always have time to read my Bible (and if I do, it's maybe a grand total of 10 minutes); and I am currently not contributing to my family in any financial way. I clearly DON'T have it all together.

Then God whispers to my heart through the hugs and smiles and "goo-goo-gaa-gaa's" of my baby boy; through the words of encouragement from my husband; through the hour of conversation with my other mom friends going through the same struggles. Being a mother is a true calling. I need to be confident that I am the perfect mother for Holt (because God made him especially for our family) and the perfect wife for Daniel. NO, I am not a perfect person (quite imperfect actually), but I can be the best mother and wife that God has created me to be.

It is ok that I don't have it all together. It's ok that there are days where I am so exhausted, I literally sit and lay around and watch TV with Holt; it's ok that there are other days where I am very productive; it's ok that I haven't lost the baby weight--in reality, that is a badge of honor; it's ok that I am not making money---it would probably take my paycheck to cover daycare and someone to clean our house anyway; it's ok that my relationship with God is not where I would like it to be.

This is a temporary season that I am in. One day, I'll blink, and Holt and his siblings will be all grown up and won't need me as much. THEN, I'll have a clean house (and maybe a well decorated one) and time to work and time for fitness and MAYBE I'll have it a little bit more together. And honestly, I'll probably be sad that the "time of having littles" is gone.

Until that time comes, I am going to rest in the grace that our Lord graciously provides and be the best mother I can be to Holt and any other children we are blessed with. I'll do my best to not listen to the lies Satan whispers in my ear (hard as that may be). I will do my best to wake up every single morning, grateful for mercies anew, ready to embrace a new day with my family. I will do my best to not be judgmental of other moms, but instead to shower them with love and hope and encouragement. I hope that you will do the same.

To my own SUPERmom----THANK YOU. I never knew the amount of sacrifice and love it took for you to be my mom. The long hours, no sleep, the worry of "am I doing this right?" or "did I make the right decision?", the giving of your body to grow and nurture me, the absolute UNCONDITIONAL love that you have for me. Thanks mom. I love you with all my heart.

Hug your littles momma. Because YOU are their SUPERmom.

Baby-Led Feeding

*disclaimer: lengthy post*

I feel like some of the biggest choices we face as parents of infants centers around what they eat. Breastfeeding or formula? Rice cereal or oatmeal? Purees or Baby-Led Feeding? It can be exhausting! And there is so much pressure to make sure you make the right choice for your little one. I probably put quite a bit of pressure on myself, but what is up with this culture of comparing ourselves as mothers?

Anyway, I wanted to elaborate and document our journey with feeding Holt. It was my wish to exclusively breastfeed the first year of his life. We started out AWESOME. I mean, the kid was an eating champ. And then, we hit a road bump. It took a while to figure out, but eventually we discovered he has a milk sensitivity, meaning his digestive system cannot break down the protein found in milk and dairy products. (no big deal--he should outgrow it by the time he turns 1 year) Between 2 months old and 3 months old, he had to be strictly on formula for 2 different weeks (while I pumped every feeding too--THAT was fun), then the hubs and I left for Miami because he was a groomsman in our friend's wedding (man that was a fun trip, but AGAIN, pumped every feeding for 5 days), and then when we got back, Holt wasn't feeling well so he didn't eat very good. Combine all that together over 4 weeks time and my milk supply TANKED. Since then, I have been nursing and then supplementing Nutramigen formula every feeding because my body just couldn't recover.

I have grieved. I have cried (sobbed at times) and been utterly distraught because my perfect plan on feeding my baby wasn't working out. Thankfully, I have a wonderful support system and my husband is my rock. He has helped me see that I'm not a failure as a mother because of unforeseen circumstances that I can't control.

Holt is now 6 months old, and thriving, and we are embarking on the solids journey. I am a nerd and love to research ideas and products and all sorts of things! When I was pregnant I researched strollers and car seats for a good 2-3 months before deciding on which one we would choose. So it was only natural that I research my options for feeding my baby solids. I kept stumbling upon a method and phrase called "Baby-Led Weaning" (BLW), also known as "Baby-Led Feeding." I pulled this directly from the website:

"Baby Led Weaning, quite simply, means letting your child feed themselves from the very start of weaning. The term was originally coined by Gill Rapley, a former health visitor and midwife.  According to the most recent research most babies reach for food at around six months, which is also the time that mothers are being encouraged to wean* by their Health Visitors, in accordance with the WHO guidelines. The distinct advantage of weaning at around six months is that by then, our children are developmentally capable of feeding themselves proper food, in other words – no more mush! You just hand them the food in a suitably-sized piece and if they like it they eat it and if they don’t they won’t. That’s the essence of Baby Led Weaning. No purees, no ice cube trays, no food processor, no potato masher, no baby rice, no weird fruit and veg combos… just you and your child, eating food that you enjoy with you and your family."

The phrase "Baby-Led Weaning" was coined in Europe---over there it means adding complementary foods, not giving up breastfeeding or formula like here in the US. I think that is what confuses a lot of people. The MAIN source of nutrition your infant receives until age 1 is either breastmilk or formula. They have the motto "food before one is just for fun"---meaning this is just a time for your baby to explore different tastes and textures and to have FUN with food!

I scoured Pinterest (check out my board on BLW) and have read all sorts of articles and mommyblogs. I discovered there is really no need for rice cereal or pureed foods. Rice cereal has no nutritional value whatsoever. I know it is recommended by pediatricians because it is fortified with iron which your baby needs. But research has shown that the iron in rice cereal is only absorbed at a rate of 4-10%. Instead, why not feed your baby iron-rich foods? I am not saying you're a horrible parent for feeding your baby rice cereal---PLEASE don't hear me say that! I personally just don't feel there is a need to feed that to my children.

So, how to do you do BLW? Won't your baby choke? Is it safe? Will they get enough nutrition?

To start, make sure your baby is ready. The signs to look for include:

1. Baby can sit up well without support
2. Baby has lost the tongue-thrust reflex
3. Baby has developed motor skills to self feed
4. Baby shows interest of the food on your plate at meal times

Benefits of BLW:

1. It's easier and less time consuming
2. Babies are trusted to know when, what, and how much they want to eat---making it much less stressful on you
3. Babies join you for family mealtimes---this allows baby to observe you eating and mom gets to eat too!
4. Babies learn how to safely handle food---chew first and then swallow
5. Babies learn to manage different shapes, textures, sizes, and tastes of food

Foods to Give Baby:

1. Avocado
2. Banana
3. Sweet potato
4. soft cooked apples
5. soft cooked green beans, asparagus, carrots, zucchini
6. ripe peaches, pears, melon
7. Egg yolk

AVOID foods that could be choked on like grapes and nuts and also any foods that may have allergies associated with them---nuts, honey, egg whites, chocolate, etc. especially if you have a family history. Also, do not give your baby any food that has been seasoned. Salt can seriously affect your babies internal balance of fluids.

Choking is a concern with any supplemental feeding. Be sure that anytime you feed baby solids he/she is closely supervised. Know what to do in the case your child does start choking! However, there IS distinction between choking and gagging. Gagging is a normal response that most babies will experience. It is also a safety mechanism to prevent choking. At 6 months of age, the gag reflex is much higher in the throat---as your baby ages, it moves further down. This is one of the reasons BLW is so valuable! It teaches them at an earlier age how to chew and swallow, when the gag reflex is so much closer to the front of the mouth.

Here is some tips I found for starting BLW:

*This is a learning experience. Throw expectations out the window and just have fun!
* It is messy!
*Nurse or bottle feed up to an hour before offering solids. This ensures we don't have a temper tantrum because baby is starving.
*Know that it's a slow process. Start with offering solids once a day and as they show more interest, increase it to 2 and eventually 3 times a day.
*Don't put more than 2 to 3 pieces of food on the tray at a time. That way, baby doesn't get overwhelmed.

NOW. All of that to say,  I'm not one of those super-strict "this is the only way I'm feeding my baby solids" type people. I am trying to be realistic and know that I'm probably going to feed Holt some purees. It's not a huge deal! There may be times I cook something that wouldn't be appropriate for him to eat and it would just be easier to whip out a jar of baby food. Or we may go to a restaurant and it's easier to whip out a jar of baby food instead of worrying about what kind of seasoning is on my food. I don't know. I've never done this before! Our pediatrician recommended starting him off with green vegetables (avocado, green beans, peas, etc) and then move on to orange vegetables (carrots, sweet potatoes, butternut squash, etc) before going to fruits. I think we will stretch vegetables out over a month or so and then maybe introduce fruits. We started with avocado and it was so fun to watch him explore!

I hope maybe I've helped people understand more about BLW. My husband and I feel like this is the way we want to feed our babies---that doesn't mean that you have to! I just know how overwhelming it can be as a new parent to try to figure out what is the "right way" to go about feeding your baby and I've decided there is no "right way." You just have to figure out what works best for your family.

Follow along as I document our experience with BLW!

Trying out avocado---02.12.15

Mary, Did You Know?

I love Christmas music. Some are silly and fun and catchy, others are very meaningful and make me ponder the true meaning of this season. One of the latter ones is "Mary, Did You Know?". During this Advent season, as I snuggle my 4 month old son, I keep pondering the words to that song: 

Mary did you know that your baby boy will some day walk on water?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will save our sons and daughters?
Did you know that your baby boy has come to make you new?
This child that you've delivered, will soon deliver you.

Mary did you know that your baby boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary did you know that your baby boy will calm a storm with his hand?
Did you know that your baby boy has walked where angels trod?
And when your kiss your little baby, you have kissed the face of God.

The blind will see, the deaf will hear, the dead will live again.
The lame will leap, the dumb will speak, the praises of the lamb

Mary did you know that your baby boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary did you know that your baby boy would one day rule the nations?
Did you know that your baby boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
This sleeping child you're holding is the great I AM.

I tear up every time I hear that song. I feel like now that I have a child, I can relate to Mary in a different way than I ever have before. I cannot imagine, knowing about the role her son would play in the future, the emotions that she went through. I'm sure she went through all the normal "mom" emotions---unconditional love, awe, wonder. I'm sure she stared at her newborn son, consumed by amazement that He was God Incarnate. I'm sure she stared at him wondering if he knew who he was as a baby. I can imagine her anguish when he cried, not knowing exactly what he was crying about, and probably crying with him. I can imagine the immense joy of seeing his first smile and hearing his first laugh. I can imagine how proud she was when he conquered new milestones--sitting up and reaching for things and saying "momma" for the first time. 

I am sure she was flooded with gratefulness and utterly humbled that God chose to bestow this amazing gift to her, but yet it was probably also such a burden. It's hard enough to be a parent, but to be a parent to a PERFECT child, the Son of God? He never had to be disciplined because he never sinned. I imagine she probably felt resentment every now and then towards her other children because they WERE sinners and had to be disciplined. Wow. Talk about a tall order. 

One other thing that makes me tear up every time I think about, is the pain she must have went through when he was being tortured and whipped and beaten and crucified. FOR ME. As a mother, your heart physically hurts when your child is in pain. To watch your son go through that, knowing that was the plan all along; knowing He had to go through it to fulfill the prophecies and the new covenant; knowing that it was the right thing. I figure that didn't make it any easier. She was still his mother and I cannot imagine the excruciating pain that must have caused her.

The Christmas Story has taken on an entirely new meaning for me this year. And it makes me even more amazed and thankful to my God that He allowed His son to go through all of that for me. To save ME--an unperfect, sinful human being.